goddamnit...

ok, the whole thing with my guy maybe not being home for christmas? well, he told me he would find out on monday for sure what was going on. monday is tomorrow at the moment, fyi. i was just talking to him and it turns out he's known since friday that he wont be home. he didnt want to tell me because he "didnt want to make me sad". as it turns out, i am now sad AND pissed off. so he has effectively just fucked himself over. i realize he was disappointed, but not telling me so he wouldnt make me SAD??? REALLY??? was he planning on telling me at all, or was he just going to wait until i got home for break, all excited to see him, then be like, "oh yeah...i'm not gonna be there." >.<>goddamnit i dont even want to talk to him now.

COLD...

its SOOOOO cold here.....i think its five degrees outside, not even kidding...then add in the windchill factor....makes it about negative twelve...

lol i just felt the need to whine about that

still waiting to find out about my guy's christmas plans...he doesn't find out what's going on until monday, and i'm not even sure i want to find out. i'm going to be so pissed if he can't be here...although there's nothing i'll be able to do about it...

and now, definite NOT-happiness.....

ok...just found out my guy might not be home for christmas.... :'( :'( :'(

god damn military....

happiness... :)

so i just found out that my boyfriend can use his phone every day now :D before, he was in training so he could only use it on the weekends...which SUCKED. but now he is in schooling :D so he has his phone, and a laptop, and i can talk to him soooooooo much more often now!!!!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Im Scared...

this is for him, though i doubt he'll ever read it...

baby, you know i've been scared a lot lately about our future, and where we're going to end up. i know it may not always make a lot of sense when im babbling and upset, so i thought i'd try to clarify things a little bit.

im scared because you're there and im here

im scared because they wont tell you where you'll be or when

im scared because i don't know if i'll be able to follow you when you go

im scared because im afraid they'll change you into a 'tough guy'

im scared because i dont know my own future

im scared because of some of the things you say

like wondering if it'd be easier for me if you 'let me go'

like the times that all you talk about is guns and killing

im scared because i miss you

im scared because i want you to myself again

im scared because i know that they'll always have a part of you that i cant reach

im scared because what if i cant communicate just how much you mean to me?

im scared because one day you might have had enough

im scared because one day you might say 'its time to move on'

im scared because one day you might say 'it'll be easier for you this way'

im scared because if you do say that you might not listen to me

when i try to convince you to stay

im scared because no matter how hard i try,

no matter how much i pray, beg, or hope,

one day i may lose you

and there would be nothing i could do

baby i hope it makes more sense now....

i love you, forever and always

musings...

its snowing today. its been snowing all day long, and its finally the proper, fluffy, delightful stuff. why does it make me so happy? no idea. :) it just does.

but then i stop for a moment, and think about my life...and the snow isnt as delightful anymore...

a couple of girls from my floor just stopped by my room to ask me if i wished to join in making snowflakes, and i think i may join them in a little while, after i finish a rough draft of this paper im working on. (ps - sorry my wolf....i kinda put it off even though you made me promise i wouldnt :( ...but at least im not starting at midnight!!)

i was really quite touched that they invited me, seeing as i dont really hang out with many of them that often. i thought maybe they didnt like me that much because i hang out with the guys in my building a LOT more often than i do girls. i guess it was me that never made the effort to get to know them....must remedy that.

ok. i NEED to get off here and get my paper written, because im not done after that. then i have to study for a vocabulary-intensive quiz and then work on my OTHER paper, which i am talking with my professor about tomorrow!

however, i do think i'll reward myself in between with a little trip down the hall for some SNOWFLAKE MAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

kinda sad atm, if you dont like sad thoughts, dont read.

sometimes i hate being able to think, i really wish i could turn that part of my brain off.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the future, and realizing that it scares me more than a little. i dont really know what i want to do for a job, i dont know where i want to live, and i dont even know if im ready for the type of life i'll have if i stay with my boyfriend. goddess, i want to...he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. but i dont know if i can handle twenty years of waiting for him to finish his career with the military. i keep getting conflicting information about whether he will be moving around every four years or if he will only be stationed in one place. if he'll be moving all the time, i know i cant handle doing that, i'd have to live somewhere and wait for them to be done with him so i can have my turn. if he stays in one place i suppose i would be able to be with him, but even then i dont know how much i'll actually have him. it doesnt matter what i do, or what happens...for the next twenty years or so he's theirs before he's ever mine. and i think that's what hurts me the most, is that, as much as i love him and as much as he loves me, the military's always going to be first. i want to marry him and have kids, make an actual family! not be two working people who happen to share the same address and the same bed.

this whole thing probably doesnt make a whole lot of sense, its just me trying to figure things out in my mind.

ponderings on soulmates...

soooooo....hm. i feel like writing, but im not sure what im writing about.

i have been sitting here for a long time now, and for the past half an hour at least there have been two girls sitting across the room who are talking about their soulmates and their spirits. they were completely serious and honest, which i found a pleasant change from the usual "oh, i've known him for two days and he's soooo cute, he MUST be my soulmate!" that most girls blather on about.

it got me to thinking...how do we really know when we've met our soulmate?

i think it has to be someone

who has known you for a long time

someone who you've tested, time and time again

but who wont give up on you

someone who, after a while,

you try imagining your future without

and realize you just cant picture it

someone you could forgive for just about anything

doesnt matter how they've hurt you

someone who can brighten up your day

simply by saying 'hi' or 'i love you'

that someone could be your soulmate....

i think i may have found mine <3

Its MY Life

this is the story of a girl

it may be sad at times

but then again, it could be happy

who knows?

if you choose to stay tuned, you'll be in for some fun

and whining

and laughing

and ranting

you get the picture.

i love a lot of things

my boyfriend

my best friends

my horse

my friends

the list goes on :)

hopefully you'll enjoy it

if you dont, let me know!

a good argument can be exhilarating

if it comes at the right time

if you like what i have to say

and you think we'd get along,

let me know!!!

i LOVE making new friends :)

random first post gibberish!!!!!

hey all!! so im new to this and dont really know what im here for. but one of my friends convinced me to start it, so i thought id give it a try! i dont know if i'll be posting very often, but i might...who knows :P

anywho

ttyl!!