i dont understand....why??

he has no idea what he's done, does he...i realize he told me about them and deleted them, but that doesnt help the fact that he took the pictures without asking me, without getting my permission! i thought he had more respect for me than that. now i feel like he doesn't respect me...if he knew it would wreck the mood (meaning i wouldnt be ok with it), yet he decided to go ahead and do it anyway, what else am i supposed to think? i trusted him, dammit...i trusted him with something he KNEW i wasnt really that comfortable with. i trusted him not to hurt me...but now i know that i was foolish. he's just a typical guy after all...i thought he was one of those rare guys who actually understood things like respect...i guess i was wrong. does he realize how hard it will be for me to trust him now? i feel like that's how he views me now...just an attractive body for him to jerk off to and to show to his friends...i feel like he doesn't love me, just my body...i just cant believe this happened :'(

and yeah i know he'll think im overreacting, but this is honestly what is going through my mind right now...

thoughts

so my boyfriend wanted me to put something more happy in here, because all i ever seem to write about is my thoughts when im upset over something. i've really tried to stay happy when im talking to him but when im not i cant help but feel sad and depressed and lonely most of the time. i have no idea what's wrong. on top of that i'm taking a parenting course and learning about the early symptoms of pregnancy, and so naturally im worrying about everything being a possible symptom even though there's really no way i could be pregnant.

i dont know why im getting so depressed all the time, but i feel like i should just give up and quit trying...in friendships, in love, in everything...i dont know how to handle this anymore. sure, i'll feel cheerful for a little while, but then i get depressed so quickly...

goddamnit...

ok, the whole thing with my guy maybe not being home for christmas? well, he told me he would find out on monday for sure what was going on. monday is tomorrow at the moment, fyi. i was just talking to him and it turns out he's known since friday that he wont be home. he didnt want to tell me because he "didnt want to make me sad". as it turns out, i am now sad AND pissed off. so he has effectively just fucked himself over. i realize he was disappointed, but not telling me so he wouldnt make me SAD??? REALLY??? was he planning on telling me at all, or was he just going to wait until i got home for break, all excited to see him, then be like, "oh yeah...i'm not gonna be there." >.<>goddamnit i dont even want to talk to him now.

COLD...

its SOOOOO cold here.....i think its five degrees outside, not even kidding...then add in the windchill factor....makes it about negative twelve...

lol i just felt the need to whine about that

still waiting to find out about my guy's christmas plans...he doesn't find out what's going on until monday, and i'm not even sure i want to find out. i'm going to be so pissed if he can't be here...although there's nothing i'll be able to do about it...

and now, definite NOT-happiness.....

ok...just found out my guy might not be home for christmas.... :'( :'( :'(

god damn military....

happiness... :)

so i just found out that my boyfriend can use his phone every day now :D before, he was in training so he could only use it on the weekends...which SUCKED. but now he is in schooling :D so he has his phone, and a laptop, and i can talk to him soooooooo much more often now!!!!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Im Scared...

this is for him, though i doubt he'll ever read it...

baby, you know i've been scared a lot lately about our future, and where we're going to end up. i know it may not always make a lot of sense when im babbling and upset, so i thought i'd try to clarify things a little bit.

im scared because you're there and im here

im scared because they wont tell you where you'll be or when

im scared because i don't know if i'll be able to follow you when you go

im scared because im afraid they'll change you into a 'tough guy'

im scared because i dont know my own future

im scared because of some of the things you say

like wondering if it'd be easier for me if you 'let me go'

like the times that all you talk about is guns and killing

im scared because i miss you

im scared because i want you to myself again

im scared because i know that they'll always have a part of you that i cant reach

im scared because what if i cant communicate just how much you mean to me?

im scared because one day you might have had enough

im scared because one day you might say 'its time to move on'

im scared because one day you might say 'it'll be easier for you this way'

im scared because if you do say that you might not listen to me

when i try to convince you to stay

im scared because no matter how hard i try,

no matter how much i pray, beg, or hope,

one day i may lose you

and there would be nothing i could do

baby i hope it makes more sense now....

i love you, forever and always